Non-Exclusivity and the Quest for Happiness (and an Extended Baseball Metaphor)

Ever since I made the decision to leave my marriage over a year ago, I knew I needed to work on myself before getting into another serious relationship. I knew I needed to see myself as an autonomous, successful individual before sharing my life with someone else, because I know myself well enough to know how co-dependent I can become. I am more in love with love than I think I know how to be with another person, as I proved to myself again this past summer.

But who doesn't want to spend time with a romantic interest? Who doesn't want to lay in bed until noon, watch geeky movies with popcorn, or cuddle in front of a fire? I want to work on myself, but at the same time I want to see what's out there. So I have been. I decided that I would date, non-exclusively, until I felt I had become strong enough in my own individuality to enter into a serious, committed relationship once again. After all, you can't learn how to play baseball by simply watching it on TV. At some point, you have to get out there feel the dirt on your cleats.

This works to a point. It worked for me for about 10 months, until situations shifted and I found myself, for the first time, green beyond belief. On Friday night I sat at the bar with my friends, trying very hard not to think about the fact that at that moment, the only guy I'm currently dating (and have been dating since March) was out on a date with someone else.

I bobbed for a while between wanting to know and not wanting to know. For a while, I liked hearing about his past escapades, and his current dates were nothing more than a scheduling barrier. But neither of us have dated anyone else for a while, up until now, and I find myself falling back into the same emotional traps. I would not ask him to be exclusive, because neither of us are ready. But I wonder about my ability to do this.

My solution for the moment, of course, is to be aware of my feelings. And thankfully I have been able to keep up an open communication with him about it. I probably worry more than I should about things I cannot foresee. Neither of us are going anywhere. And we continue to have a great time together, regardless of anything else.

This is just another reminder that sometimes, when you walk out onto that baseball diamond, your cleats will get mired in the mud. But you keep playing anyway.